Do you know those parents who are always well heard at any playground, children’s party or store? “Vanya, get up! You will get dirty! “,” Don’t run: you will fall! ” it won’t work anyway. ” Daily Baby talked to experts and found out how constant inhibitions and twitching affects the child’s psyche and why jumping in puddles is a useful and developing activity for a child.
Not pranks, but curiosity
Prohibitions and restrictions in parenting are inevitable. It is impossible to allow the child absolutely everything: it is simply dangerous for him and those around him. But often the justified phrases “do not go to the outlet” and “do not turn on the stove” exist side by side with twitching for any reason and without. Many moms and dads just get into the habit of telling their child “no” and “don’t go.”
Psychologists recommend in the next such situation to stop, exhale and quickly think about: is it really under a strict ban and why?
Imagine: a one and a half year old baby decided to put cookies in a mug of water and was surprised to see them get soaked there. Surely you will want to shout sadly: “You can’t do this!” and stop this mess. Calmness. This is a common natural child’s curiosity, without which a child’s development is impossible.
Should such things be prohibited? It’s up to you to decide, but psychologists advise to limit the child as little as possible in his desire to learn about the world. This is pampering for you, but for the Toddler it is an important and interesting experiment. We cannot look into the baby’s head, but we assume that at the moment of such a prank, the child’s thought process is working very actively: why does the cookie become soft and the water becomes cloudy? And also: why doesn’t mom like all this? It’s so interesting!
“Constant prohibitions, sometimes meaningless, make the child anxious, shy, withdrawn. Often parents prohibit something because of their anxiety for the life and health of the child: they suddenly catch a cold, suddenly fall and break their nose, suddenly they ruin something and have to pay for it.
This constant insecurity and anxiety of the parent is passed on to the child. He, too, begins to be afraid of everything around him. He is afraid to ask the teacher something: he will suddenly scold. She is afraid to approach other children: they suddenly do not want to play. Afraid to build his tower from Lego: suddenly it will fall. It is clear that this greatly inhibits the development of the child and can cause future neuroses.
The baby can also become aggressive or apathetic. Children get angry when something is forbidden to them. And if bans are constantly pouring in from all sides, then anger begins to beat over the edge. But you can’t be angry with your elders, and the negative is shifted to your peers. The child begins to bite in the garden, fight, call names.
There is another option: a child has to constantly suppress anger in himself in order to be a good boy or girl. When we suppress anger, we suppress all other feelings. Because of this, the child becomes apathetic, bored, he is not interested in anything, ”says child psychologist and mother of many children Ksenia Nesyutina.
Children who are not jerked off without reason and given more leeway tend to stand out from their peers. They are fun, active, creative, creative and versatile. As a rule, such children easily get to know each other and make friends, trust their parents and achieve success in various fields.
“If you are always scolded, and you are constantly guilty that you went on the curb, pushed a pebble with your foot, climbed up the hill, got down from the hill, then the child involuntarily develops a feeling -“ it’s all because of me, I’m bad ”. Such children live with constant guilt and low self-esteem. At school, such a child, knowing a lesson for five, will answer a three, because he believes that he did not deserve more. In the future, they choose relationships where they are used and manipulated, ”says the psychologist.
Romance with the world
The child begins to understand the words “no” and “no” even before his first birthday. And it is during this period, whether you like it or not, you have to tell them to the baby. After all, it’s really impossible to climb into the cat’s tray, grab a knife from the table and throw the phone on the floor. It’s dangerous, unhygienic, and buying a new smartphone every week is so-so pleasure.
Here it is important to immediately decide: if you cannot throw the phone with all its strength on the floor, then this should never be done under any circumstances. And no phone, not even a compassionate grandmother who allows her beloved grandson to break her technique. It is difficult for a child to explain why mother’s smartphone cannot be thrown, but grandmother’s can. Therefore, we are seeking unanimity on this issue.
“Children’s curiosity is normal. Somewhere in 1.2-1.5, the child begins a period called “romance with the world.” By this age, children can already move by themselves and reach the most secluded corners of the apartment.
Thanks to this, the child begins to form an awareness of his own “I” – a feeling of separation from his mother. In the future, it is this stage that lays the foundations – motivation, desires, aspirations, the ability to set goals and achieve them, ”emphasizes the child psychologist.
But when it comes to smaller pranks, think a hundred times before shouting strictly “You can’t!” Take care of your nerves and your child’s. And, most importantly, remember: for you to fall into the snow (so cold, wet and dirty) is an incomprehensible and stupid activity. And for a preschooler it is a thrill and happiness.
And for a two-year-old toddler, it is also incredible food for the mind. Why is the snow so cold? Why is it crumbly and when you fall into it – softly? And in his hands he melts. Looks white from a distance, but not quite up close. In general, you get the idea.
Well, the favorite children’s entertainment – jumping through puddles – has long been recognized by psychologists as an excellent way to learn about nature and interact with various substances. Children like games with water very much, puddles fascinate and surprise them. The kid makes a lot of discoveries and conclusions, builds logical connections in his head, experiments and just has fun with all his heart.
Consequences of permanent bans
And yet: what can constant prohibitions lead to? What will happen in adulthood for a person who, in childhood, was too often and unreasonably told “no”?
“Parental prohibitions, as a rule, remain in the head for life. Of course, not literally – they are transformed into deep attitudes. For example, the mother kept repeating: “You cannot leave porridge on the plate,” and the child then lives, diligently observing the rule: “Others know better what I want.” The option “Well, you will finish, please” or the hundredfold repeated “Or maybe you still eat?”, By the way, is not at all more humane. Here you can learn: “To rape me with other people’s desires is okay”, “My” no “does not mean anything”, “Going against the sensations of the body in order to please others is normal.” Eric Berne wrote about this: “A trained animal does not need to hear the voice of the owner: it is always inside.”
Of course, it is impossible to educate a person without prohibitions. It is important to strike a balance between the principle of pleasure, when the child gets what he wants, and the principle of reality, when the world in the person of the parents sets the boundaries of what is permitted.
Yes, sometimes this border goes where the mother’s resource ends, and it has importance and value. Hence, for example: “Stop pouring water on the floor, I’m tired of wiping it off. I forbid it.” There is no getting away from this, but here, rather, the proportion is important.
If a child has a disproportionate amount of inhibitions, then he begins to feel: the world more often tells me “no” than “yes”. And at some point, growing up, he reduces the number of attempts to take from the universe what he likes. Take a comfortable seat, ask for a decent pay, go beyond the boundaries of the system and invent your own. This can only be done by a person with a “living, curious toddler inside,” who is able to recognize his desires and creatively adapt to the environment in order to fulfill these desires, “says psychologist Elena Sadykova.
Child psychologist Ksenia Nesyutina adds:
“As a rule, people like this:
- Are unnecessarily disturbing. Combat their anxiety with overcontrol. Sometimes in much the same way as their parents did.
- Passive-aggressive. They behave in such a way that they make everyone around them angry: they are late, say inappropriate jokes, let down colleagues or friends. All because of the rage that was on the parents in childhood, remained sitting inside and cannot find an adequate outlet.
- Depressive. They can often blame themselves, engage in self-flagellation. Unconsciously punish yourself and deprive yourself of simple joys or constantly get into unpleasant stories.
- They do not have their own goals and desires. They can remain dependent on their parents for a long time. Or they change their parents to other codependent relationships. “
How to find a middle ground
As we have already said: absolutely no prohibitions – nothing at all. But try to focus your attention on the moments when you really want to say: “don’t go in” or “don’t touch”.
Stop and think: is it really impossible or is it said “automatically” out of habit? And what needs to be done to make it “possible”? Do not let the comments pour out of you uncontrollably.
If you can’t jump in a puddle, because your clothes get dirty and your feet get wet, take a note to wear rubber boots and waterproof pants for your next walk, as well as outerwear that you will not mind getting dirty.
Why can’t you kick a pebble on the road? Maybe you are just very tired and, in principle, any activity of the child annoys you? Then it is important to replenish your resource and have a good rest, taking time for yourself. Take care of your child’s childhood, because it happens only once.
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